CAN WE TALK ABOUT ABORTION?

To be here right now means you were searching for abortion counselling. And I just want to say that I’m glad you are here. Thank you for being here. Because being here means you are showing up for yourself.

Whether you are pregnant, the partner of someone pregnant, wanting support to make an informed decision - whatever position you may be in - I know you have many questions and concerns, and time is of the essence in your decision making. I hope this blog offers you crucial information to help you take the most appropriate step forward.

Whatever the reason for considering abortion, it is not an easy decision to make.

I know. Because I’ve been there.

Shortly before my wedding, I got pregnant. I had always imagined being a mother, but this was not how I imagined it.

I was 22, living with my aunt because my mom had kicked me out, and I didn’t have a good relationship with the church I was attending at the time.

Not only was I financially incapable, I lacked support from my family, friends, and church to even have anyone trustworthy to talk to.

I was ashamed of my sexual sin, I was barely getting by financially, and I was fearful of what might happen to me. Would I get support? Or would I get ostracized?

There were already strained relationships due to my parents’ divorce, my abusive mother spreading lies about me to the church, and I was already being condemned for not fitting into the definition of a nice, Chinese, Christian girl. If this were to come out, I was convinced I would be stoned by my own church.

I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had my fiancé hide it as well because I was so afraid. I put him in a difficult position. In the end, I had one 15 minute conversation with God-knows-who over the phone about whether or not I would regret the decision.

She said I wouldn’t. But I did. And I still do.

My grief overcame me when my first daughter was a few months old. Since then, I have been on a long journey of mourning and healing.

I want to be a support for you. To give you all the information I can to help you make an informed decision. So, let’s talk about abortion.

There’s a 10-10-10 rule.

As you consider potentially getting an abortion, there are some questions you need to walk yourself through:

1. What do you think you will feel 10 minutes from the time of the abortion - if you were to get one today?

2. What do you think you will feel 10 months from today assuming you got an about today?

3. What do you think you will feel 10 years from now? Now that you may have a partner, considering starting a family, or maybe already have a family of your own?

List out the current circumstances that are leading you towards an abortion.

For me, some of my concerns and thoughts were:

• I don’t have any money. I’m still in school, and I’m living with my aunt.

• If I were to keep this baby, I would have to finish my nursing practicums while pregnant. I might not get to graduate if the baby comes before I complete my practicum.

• I would never hear the end of it from my relatives.

• I already have no place in the church. People don’t like me, and I’ll probably get forced out.

• My mom is crazy. I can’t possibly have this baby and subject him/her to the same abuse I’ve been through.

• My dad needs me. He’s struggling to find work, he’s depressed, and he needs my help financially.

The reason for asking the last question is because 10 years from now, you won’t be in the same situation you are in now. Your current circumstances will change. Would that change your decision of having an abortion?

Now let’s do the 10-10-10 rule for if you choose to keep the baby:

1. What do you think you’d feel 10 minutes after the baby is born?

2. What do you think you’ll feel 10 months from the time they’re born?

3. What do you think you’ll feel 10 years from the time they’re born?

I can only speak from the perspective of having the children I have now.

• Holding my baby girls in my arms right after they were born were one of the most beautiful and cherished moments of my life.

• At 10 months, they’re either crawling around or holding themselves up along the couch, smiling at me to play with them. They’ve called me mama, and they’ve filled my life with more reasons to live.

• None of my daughters are 10 years old yet, but they are 6, 3, 2, and 8 months at the time of this writing. They drive me up the wall, they make a lot of mess, and they require a lot of attention. But they run at me full speed just to hug my leg, they appreciate spending time with me and talking with me about their problems with friends, and we gang up on their dad to tackle him together. These are just some of the fun we are having together.

My journey through grief and loss from abortion is uniquely mine. My husband and I have moments where we wonder what life would be like had we had Daniel. We cry from time to time thinking about him. But, that’s our reality. It’s how we have experienced abortion.

It may not be how you will experience yours. It requires deep intentionality to reflect on the above questions to discover what your decision will be.

It has not been easy for me to openly discuss my abortion. It’s a constant effort to write and say the word abortion. Writing this blog has been filled with fear, anxiety, and some dirty looks at my husband for sharing his opinion of what was written on here… But, we have found our people. I have found my people.

My people accepted it, accepted me, embraced me, and have been walking with my husband and I through our grief and loss. People who have shown us deep empathy and compassion. For someone with complex PTSD to say that… That’s something.

I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. And if you haven’t found your people, I’m here to be your person. I’m here to be on your side, without judgement, without condemnation, to be a safe place for you to make the decision that is right for you.

If you’d like to connect, you can fill out this form, and I’ll be sure to reach out.